


Kissing a Fool

by Visvasrit



Category: Given, Gusari - Fandom, Haikyuu!!, Kizu Natsuki - Fandom, Sashikizu - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Fluff, Friendship/Love, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2019-08-01 02:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16276460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visvasrit/pseuds/Visvasrit
Summary: Haruki's mind drifted towards Ugetsu Murata. He had been wanting to go to one of Ugetsu's performances for some time now, but he wasn't sure why. Maybe because the violinist was a piece of a bigger picture Haruki was trying to undestand. Ugetsu had been an important part in Akihiko's life, and he was sure it was the same the other way around. Haruki knew Ugetsu probably had had it worse with Akihiko than him.Maybe Haruki just wanted to listen to Ugetsu play and see if he could find in his music that same nameless feeling Haruki had stucked into his chest since that afternoon he talked with Mafuyu. Maybe he just wanted to feel he shared some of this pain with someone else, that he wasn't as alone as he felt.





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> This is a self-indulgent parallel storyline to Given, manga written and drawn by artist Gusari, in which Haruki leaves the band after a series of events between him and Akihiko, Ugetsu has moved out, and we give them both the love they deserve.
> 
> Enjoy!

Haruki opened the door to his apartment, sighing after a long afternoon. After all that had happened with Akihiko, his days had become a neverending succession of activities he needed to do in order to stop thinking. If he wasn't at the university or at the coffee shop where he worked, he was at the store where he had started another part time job. And if he wasn't working or at the university, he spent the rest of his day at his apartment, cleaning, cooking small dishes for himself, studying or going to Take's place to play the bass, now that he didn't have to rehearse after he left Given.

But right now, after throwing himself on the couch and lighting the first cigarette of what would surely become a lot, he had nothing to do. Or at least there was nothing he felt like doing. So he turned the TV on and shuffled through the channels without really paying attention to the shows on them.

He missed the band. They were relatively new, but he had always felt comfortable there, making music and gently bossing Uenoyama and Mafuyu next to Akihiko. They struggled with a lot of things: rehearsals, songs, musical stuff, random stuff from each other's lives. But there was a general feeling of togetherness that Haruki had always liked. Leaving it had been necessary for Haruki, but that didn't mean it didn't break his heart to part ways with something that meant so much to him... When Haruki told the others that he'd leave, Uenoyama screamed, Fuyu just stood quiet and Akihiko waited until Rikka and Fuyu left to try to make Haru change his mind, telling him that he should be the one leaving. He was right, but if Haruki wanted to leave Akihiko behind, he felt he needed to do this. He worded it in a different way, though. What he ended up telling Akihiko that time was more or less on the lines of "Of course you should be the one leaving. But all this place and everything we did together in this band will always be here. And I don't want to see or hear you or anything related with you ever again in my whole fucking life". Haruki had been surprisingly composed during that short talk, but then Akihiko left and Haruki was all alone in the studio, picking up his things while he tried to hold back the need to scream and to break down completely.

Thinking about it was useless now. He wasn't going to go back to the band, no matter how much he missed it. The sole idea of meeting Akihiko made the blood in his veins boil, and there were so many memories of Akihiko tangled with memories of the band that trying to get over Akihiko would become impossible. Not that he was finding it easier this way, though...

Sometimes, when he closed his eyes, he could still feel the heat of Akihiko's touch in every place where his hands and lips had been, how his weight over Haruki's own body felt, how the whispers in his ear sounded. Haruki didn't want to go there, but whenever he lowered his guard, he found himself thinking about Akihiko. Sometimes he cursed himself for having taken that step forward to kiss Akihiko for the first time that night they were going over some songs they had almost prepared to play live, giving them the finishing touches, smoking and drinking cheap beer, enjoying themselves, feeling proud of how things were going with the band, planning future shows, thinking big and laughing like the two idiots they were.

It would have been nice if things had stayed that way. But Haruki kind of screwed it all up a little when he kissed Akihiko, and then Akihiko screwed it completely when he kissed Haruki back. Everything that came later was just the unfolding of that first kiss. The gasps between the sheets of Haruki's bed, afternoons after rehearsals spent together, talks, beers, meals. Even if sometimes Haruki felt that Akihiko didn't take Haru's feelings seriously, this thing they had had become everything Haruki wanted.  
Until that morning Mafuyu waited for him at the cafe to talk to him, to tell Haruki some truths he knew about Akihiko and that he considered Haruki should know before getting too much involved with Akihiko. As if it was possible to get more involved with him than he already was. As if it were so easy to forget and forgive.

But Haru was so stupidly in love with Akihiko... Even after all Fuyu confided to him, there was a part of Haruki that was naive enough to believe that maybe Akihiko felt something real for him. That part was the one that kept every smile Akihiko had ever thrown in Haruki's direction, every kind word, every stupid gesture that made Haruki's silly heart race in a way that nothing else could.

But Akihiko was so different to that picture in Haruki's heart. It was like he tried to keep all the possibilities open, never really caring about only one because anyway, everyone was so fucking smitten with him it was stupid to close a door.  
Maybe it wasn't even his fault. Maybe it was everybody else's fault for falling for him, Haruki included.

As he laid on the couch reminiscing things he didn't want to reminisce, Haruki turned things around in his head. There had to be something he could do that might help him start getting over Akihiko. Haruki wanted so hard to forget him. Almost as much as he once had wanted to be with him.

Haruki's mind drifted towards Ugetsu Murata. He had been wanting to go to one of Ugetsu's performances for some time now, but he wasn't sure why. Maybe because the violinist was a piece of a bigger picture Haruki was trying to undestand. Ugetsu had been an important part in Akihiko's life, and he was sure it was the same the other way around. Haruki knew Ugetsu probably had had it worse with Akihiko than him.  
Maybe Haruki just wanted to listen to Ugetsu play and see if he could find in his music that same nameless feeling Haruki had stucked into his chest since that afternoon he talked with Mafuyu. Maybe he just wanted to feel he shared some of this pain with someone else, that he wasn't as alone as he felt.  
Haruki wasn't sure anymore of what the hell he was looking for by going to Ugetsu's concert.

-Didn't even know you had a proper shirt, Haruki. Not to mention a proper suit.- Take had a hand placed under his chin while he checked at Haru. Haru looked at Take with a face that didn't show much confidence and then looked at himself in the mirror. - How do I look?  
\- Like you could uneventfully mingle with all the snobs you'll find there. - Take answered with a nod and a "not bad" expression which Haruki ignored. He didn't want to mingle with the people there. He just wanted to go the auditorium, listen to Ugetsu play and go back home, hopefully with an at least a little bit lighter heart.

Later that evening, Haruki walked into the concert hall. For a second he was afraid of finding Akihiko among the public. But then Haruki realized that no matter all the not-so-gentle adjectives he had attached to the picture of him he kept in his mind, he doubted Akihiko ventured himself into a place where he could cross ways with Ugetsu. He'd deal with it if the occasion presented itself, though. Which probably meant that he'd start panicking while he left the auditorium through the closest exit. But he wanted to do this. He needed to do this.

 

Days had never been so long, so full of nothing, so dull. Ugetsu thought he knew better at some point; he tried to convince himself that this was just a bad break up, and in general, people eventually got over it, right? So why wouldn't he?  
But the truth was, this wasn't just a bad break up. Or at least it didn't feel like one, because it wasn't even a relationship to begin with. It was so infinitely much more complicated than that... and so Ugetsu couldn't really find a label to put on it. He didn't even remember for how long he had had this sort of thing with Akihiko, and even if they were years, they felt like decades to him. Ugetsu's mind and heart were flooded with memories of Akihiko, pieces of him; his body forever marked by the touch of his hands and his lips, and his soul attached to Akihiko's being from what it felt like the beginning of Earth.  
For a long time Ugetsu wondered, even living with him, how could he function without having him by his side. How could he be able to let go of everything about him that hurt him when Akihiko was also everything that made him happy. He still didn't know how he managed to get him out of his house, but... God, if there was something he'd remember for the rest of his life, it was the sound the door made when Akihiko closed it behind him. And that's just to name one of the many, countless things he'd never forget about Akihiko. The excitement of having a friend to share things with, the fluttering feeling in the pit of his stomach, the wave of fire that washed over him when Akihiko first held him in his arms, the feeling of complement whenever they played together, the familiar sounds whenever he was around, the green of his eyes, the sound of his voice, the crisp, melodic rhythm of his laugh, the burn of his hands on Ugetsu's body, the torturous pleasure of being cornered and taken by him. The talks, the walks, the movies, the coffees, the fights, the arguments, the laughter, the routine. Akihiko was Ugetsu's whole world, and without him, Ugetsu's life was completely empty, because it wasn't sadness what he felt in his chest whenever he woke up and remembered he wouldn't ever be with Akihiko again, it was that, it was emptiness, numbness. It was everything, and it was nothing at the same time.  
Ugetsu just was there, breathing, moving, acting like a human being when he didn't feel like one at all.

The house had too many memories, too many traces of Akihiko's presence to keep on living there, so Ugetsu eventually moved out. He didn't ask for any help to do so, but it wasn't like he had a friend to call, either. It was okay, he thought. He was used to it, he had made peace with that reality. After all, he was sure it wasn't anyone's fault but his. He was too unfit for relationships. Maybe that was why Akihiko had given up on him.  
Routine didn't really matter to him, he attended university, rehearsals, even the concerts in the most impersonal way. It was hard to explain what that man had done to him and his music, and Ugetsu felt like he didn't even know how to play anymore. His fingers moved by themselves and by memory, but there were only glimpses of time in which Ugetsu could connect with whatever he was playing and that was mainly at concerts. It was curious, truly: when he should be nervous and afraid the most, it was when the most relaxed he felt. Maybe because he didn't have any expectations about himself, or maybe because that was the strongest reminder that, even if he felt so dead inside, he was still alive. Music was the only thing that kept on making Ugetsu's heart beat, and playing the violin was the only thing he could vent his broken soul through.

He closed his eyes as he stood at a side of the stage, musicians of the orchestra tuning their instruments before he had to make his entrance, his mind failing him with the memories of Akihiko soothing his fears and insecurities away right before he came into the stage. But this time, for the first time in years, it was just him and his violin. Just his bow and the strings, and the lonely, painful reality of a heartbroken human letting out a share of tears in form of notes and melodies and the sound of a violin.

Haruki followed Ugetsu with his eyes as he entered the stage, his hands clapping in a welcoming applause with the rest of the public. Then it all happened in a succession of events that took hold of Haruki from beggining to end.  
First, the silence. The orchestra started playing first.

And then, it was Ugetsu's turn.

It wasn't that Haruki had never heard anyone playing the violin or that he had never heard an orchestra ever before. Even if he didn't usually attend concerts, he pretty much knew what to expect when he had decided to come to this particular one.  
But this...  
Haru didn't expect it to get so bad at the core of his bones...

Haruki's eyes were fixed in Ugetsu's expression from time to time, even when just by closing his eyes Haru could recreate the picture of the violinist's face behind his eyelids. His notes flowed effortlessly and beautifuly, and Haruki remembered Mafuyu telling him that Ugetsu was a child prodigy, so he guessed that there was no wonder at the excellence of Ugetsu's performance. He excelled at technique, there was no doubt about that, but there was something else in his playing, that extra amount of sentiment poured gently into one own's music. It was as sweet and beautiful as it was powerful and heartbreaking. Maybe it was on purpose, but Haruki doubted it, simply because some things happen even if we try to prevent them. Souls tend to find a way out right through the cracks whether we want it or not...

And still, sadness surrounded it all. Even in the most beautiful passages of the whole piece, Haruki could feel this very thin veil of longing, even despair in Ugetsu's music. Maybe because that was the general state Haruki had been submerged in for a while now, but he couldn't help feeling as if a hundred arrows were being fired right into the middle of his chest coming from Ugetsu's direction. Haru didn't know what to do with it, but it was relieving. Somehow, it made him feel a little less lonely.

And like this, the movements passed by one after the other, and then, around half an hour later, just as it had started, it ended.

 

At some point the world had stopped spinning and Ugetsu got so immersed in the concert he was playing, in that last allegro, that his fingers flowed along the fingerboard like water running through the stones in a river. The tip of his fingers felt like they burned on the strings, and his body swayed sometimes violently with the sharp notes, as if his heart needed more than just its accelerated heartbeat in vibrato and tried to escape through his arms to express itself. Ugetsu's mind went blank for a few minutes, and it was hard to explain, because the fact that he wasn't _thinking_ didn't mean he wasn't _feeling_. He was indeed feeling too much, because right then it was all he could do, and everything he had stuck in his throat had been unleashed by the way he connected with the piece. He frowned with his eyes closed as the melody arrived so full of tension at its end, like those last few seconds you're able to hold your breath before the need to take a deep breath underwater, and with the last note, together with the orchestra, Ugetsu slid the bow quick and sharp for the last time, letting that last sound of his violin reverberate in the concert hall. But almost right away, the audience started clapping fervently and Ugetsu suddenly felt like crying. He took a few seconds to compose himself before opening his eyes and faced the audience, clutched chest and tight throat, making a long reverence as to thank for the ovation.

The cheering and clapping of the audience broke the spell Haruki was under, and he started clapping along slowly, as if he were going back only now to the auditory after having travelled somewhere else, far away.  
He wasn't sure of what had happened, but the first thing that came to his mind was that he was right when he thought he should come. He didn't exactly feel relief, because by the way Ugetsu played, Haruki could guess the turmoil raging inside of his chest and his heart, the mess that Akihiko had left in him. Haruki understood. Even if he felt the mess left in his own heart couldn't be compared with Ugetsu's, he had this stupid need to try and reach his hand towards the violinist.  
Maybe that's why he stood in his seat as everyone started leaving. The truth was that Haruki wasn't intending or hoping to talk with Ugetsu when he planned to come to the concert. He just wanted to hear and see him, try to connect with the violinist through the music he made and then go back home and keep on trying to move on with his life. But as the auditorium emptied, as Haruki sat there with his stomach in a knot and a question mark on his mind, the wish to talk with Ugetsu was growing bigger and bigger. It was funny because Haruki had no idea of what to say. Maybe Ugetsu wouldn't even want to talk to him. Maybe Haruki wouldn't even be able to find him.  
But... what could he lose if he tried? So he got up and moved along with the few people left and searched with his eyes for the way to the camerinos, walking and having doubts about what he was doing, searching for Ugetsu but also having second thoughts about this whole idea.

 

Ugetsu came on and off stage a few times as tradition says, receiving the applause and all the human warmth he'd had since the last concert. He had never been a people person, but ever since he had stopped seeing Akihiko, he had isolated himself from the rest of the world. So yes, this was the only thing that brought a little warmth to his chest.  
When he got off the stage for the last time, Ugetsu walked to the camerino he was occupying and waited for some time as people left the auditorium. A few musicians of the orchestra came by to congratulate him, and Ugetsu thanked them politely before saving his violin back in its case. As he grabbed the keys of the car and checked he wasn't forgetting anything, he thought about making some rice before going to bed. He wasn't really hungry, which was pretty much the usual, but Ugetsu was aware of the fact that people usually eat to function, and he hadn't had lunch today so some rice would be okay. But when he left the room and walked through the corridor to the main hall, his eyes found the bassist that had asked Akihiko to join him in their band. His name was Haruki. Nakayama Haruki. And he was broken, just like him.  
Ugetsu's heart clutched inside his chest when he saw Haruki waiting for him; and even though Ugetsu didn't expect him to be there, he wasn't surprised.  
-You cut your hair- Ugetsu stopped a few steps away, facing him, and his voice, calm and melodic, resounded weakly in the hall.

Haruki tilted his head when he realized he was being talked to. Ugetsu was standing there, holding his violin case and for a moment Haruki remembered him playing and his breath catched a little. He found himself thinking that even if Ugetsu seemed smaller than when he was on stage, he had this presence that would have made Haruki slightly intimidated in some other situation or in front of someone else. But his voice sounded calm and Haruki wondered why Ugetsu didn't look surprised at all of seeing him there. It was nice meeting him like this, though.  
\- Ah, yeah... - he said smiling softly at Ugetsu as he touched the base of his own nape, sliding his fingertips shortly along with a few strands of his hair. - I've kept it long for a while, so it still feels kind of weird now... I'm getting used to it, though. - Haru got the feeling Ugetsu could tell why he had cut it, but he didn't know how to feel about it yet.  
\- Hey, you're probably told this a lot, but that was an amazing performance... - he said after a short silence, looking at Ugetsu's case and then at the violinist.

There was a hint of confusion on Haruki's face. Ugetsu thought it might be the fact that he wasn't surprised to see him there.  
Being told that his performance was good didn't always come from someone whose opinion had a real weight on him. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate each and every congratulation, but Ugetsu couldn't help to remember how he considered Haruki a rival at some point in the past, and that was why his opinion was important. -Thank you- he said, simply but honestly, and walked in direction of Haruki. -I should get a haircut, too- Ugetsu commented walking past him and stopped a few steps ahead turning to look at him. There were a few seconds of silence in which they just looked at each other, maybe letting the situation sink in, and Ugetsu breathed a soft smile. -A drink?-. After all, he knew why Haruki was there, and it was the exact same reason why he wasn't surprised to see him. Ugetsu could sense Haruki had the need to talk but didn't really know what to say; there was an implicit empathy between them, even if they didn't know each other. -I don't really know what to say, either, but something will come up- .


	2. Irony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How come you weren't even surprised of seeing me there?" Haruki asked. Ugetsu took a drag on his cigarette and exhaled the smoke with a soft sigh. "I figured you'd wanted to make peace with your past. Maybe meeting me and sharing some words could help you feel less alone in this. Maybe hearing me play could make you see I'm just as fucked up as you are".  
> Haruki held Ugetsu's stare for a moment, replaying his words in his head. It was funny how this guy seemed to understand him maybe more than he understood himself. Moments later, he shrug and turned to look at Ugetsu as he lifted his glass with a smirk. "To our fucked up selves."

 

Haruki kept looking at Ugetsu, his head a little bit divided between the million things he would have wanted to say but at the same time couldn't and the nice and weird calm that that man in front of him transmitted to Haruki, the way they seemed to connect without much more than a look and a few words. At some extent, Haruki understood that the connection they shared had to do mostly with Akihiko, but Haru couldn't help wondering. If they had met under different circumstances would the end result be the same? Would he feel this weird and subtle comfortableness as he thought about having a drink and a talk with Ugetsu?

And when Ugetsu said those last words, Haruki smiled and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I could use a drink right now", he answered before moving away from the wall and starting to follow him.

 

Ugetsu thought about life while he drove them to a nice, quiet pub he knew; how curious and ironic it was that a person he had hated so much was now sitting next to him in his car. It wasn't really personal, though. Ugetsu hated Haruki in the past because he had been naive enough to think he was someone who had come to steal Akihiko from him. Of course that, later on, Ugetsu understood that it wasn't Haruki. It wasn't him, either, or the blonde, long haired girl Akihiko had met at university. It took him some time to understand that it was Akihiko himself the one unable to commit to anyone, and that Ugetsu, just like Haruki and the blonde girl, had meant to Akihiko the same that everyone will in the future to him: people with whom he had chemistry and some basic level of reciprocity. And that was all. For quite a long time Ugetsu thought he had been different. He thought Akihiko had had real feelings for him, that he could've been in love with him, that he took his feelings for Ugetsu seriously. And nothing had hurt more than realizing it was just him trying to believe what he wanted to believe. What he  _needed_  to believe to keep a little bit sane. 

So yeah, Ugetsu thought about life in the 10 minutes it took them to get to the pub.   
He left the case with the violin in the back seat before getting off the car and walked with Haruki inside the place. It was relatively early for those who met after dinner, so it was fairly quiet, just a few more people besides them. "Are you the sweet or the dry type of guy?", Ugetsu asked when they sat next to each other at the bar counter, mainly referring to his taste on drinks, but not discarding a second interpretation.

Haruki had spent the few minutes it took them to get to the pub in silence. He didn't feel like saying anything, but the atmosphere in the car didn't feel tense or uncomfortable, and the only time he looked in Ugetsu's direction while he drove, he found himself thinking about how things have come to this, to be inside a car with this guy he knew barely anything about but who held so much meaning to Haruki, sharing a comfortable silence, when he was used to speak all the time about anything. 

When they entered the pub, Haruki felt immediately drawn to its quiet atmosphere. "Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you, I've been more like the bitter type lately", he answered with a smile that didn't feel so bitter after all, maybe because he liked the open tone Ugetsu had given to the question more than the topic that had originated his own answer, "so I think I'm going to order a glass of whiskey". He sat at the bar and took out a box of cigarettes, offering one to Ugetsu. "So, what about you?" he asked, keeping open the question in the same way as Ugetsu had done.

Ugetsu smiled at Haruki's first answer, especially because he felt the same way. He wasn't really the hype type to be talking all the time, but he used to generally be in a good mood. "Pretty much the same. I'll join you with the whiskey". Ugetsu took a cigarette out of the pack as he finished sitting on the tall chair and took his hand to his pocket. "Damn, I forgot my lighter at the theater" he mumbled when he touched nothing but fabric inside it. "Do you mind?", Ugetsu asked pointing at the cigarette between his lips.

Haruki was giving his the first drag when Ugetsu pointed at it and for a moment it reminded him of how Akihiko used to lit his cigarette with Haruki's in the same way. It felt... weird. But he didn't want to replace the memories he had from Akihiko, because that would mean that something else would occupy the same space. He wanted to neutralize them, to take away the tinge of pain coming from them every time something even as simple and little like this came up. So he got closer to Ugetsu without saying anything, looking at the violinist's mouth and fingers and then at the cherries of both cigarettes as they started to burn. "There" he said once Ugetsu's cigarette was lit while he moved back to lift a finger to the bartender and order their two whiskeys. 

His eyes went back to Ugetsu then, straight to his eyes, as if he had had been thinking about something for a while and were looking for the proper words. His lips formed an almost imperceptible smile.  
"How come you weren't even surprised of seeing me there?", he asked finally as he gave his cigarette a drag.

It took Ugetsu by surprise when Haruki leaned forward to lit his cigarette with his own. Even though he leaned a little bit as well, he was expecting Haruki to just take his lighter and offer it to him. It was okay, though. Ugetsu seized the moment to take a closer look to the guy sitting next to him. He had a very nice shade of honey brown eyes, Ugetsu could see them even in the dim light of the pub. The shape of his face was slender, small nose with a slight curve on its bridge, and soft, pink lips. They weren't too thin, but they weren't thick either. He had nice lips. 

Ugetsu usually didn't notice how intimidating he could be when he observed someone, but he guessed Haruki was too focused on the cigarettes to notice. "Thanks" he said, and took off his black blazer to hang it on the backrest of he chair, hearing him ask for the drinks, and catching a small smile on Haruki's lips when he asked him that question. Ugetsu took a drag on his cigarette and exhaled the smoke with a soft sigh. "I figured you'd wanted to make peace with your past. Maybe meeting me and sharing some words could help you feel less alone in this. Maybe hearing me play could make you see I'm just as fucked up as you are". Just when he was finished talking, the bartender arrived with their drinks and Ugetsu took a sip from his, looking straight at Haruki's eyes. Even though his words may not be soft, or calm, his voice was. 

Haruki held Ugetsu's stare for a moment, replaying his words in his head. It was funny how this guy seemed to understand Haruki maybe more than he understood himself. "I've turned it around a million times in my head, you know...? This idea of coming to see you perform, never being exactly sure of the reason. And I wasn't even going to try to meet you afterwards, but after I saw you play I think I felt that sort of... invisible force pulling me towards you". He took a sip of whiskey and then stared at the liquid in the glass before continuing. "But yeah, I think it has to do with what you say, feeling less alone in this, letting the past where it belongs, get over stuff. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I don't, but if there's one thing I'm sure is that he doesn't deserve this, you know? You and me feeling like shit over him...". Haruki made a pause and sighed. "I know you've been dealing with this for way longer than me. But no matter how much our world had spun around him, he never gave a fuck about you or me or anyone, for that matter, so he can go fuck himself", he finished with a shrug and turned to look at Ugetsu as he lifted his glass with a smirk. "To our fucked up selves."

 Ugetsu kept looking at Haruki, paying attention to his words, and could help to feel a lump in his throat. He had been there. He had been so in love and so mad at the same time that he could tell that Haruki saying that Akihiko should fuck off was just a cry of pain.   
Ugetsu didn't smile. He just looked into Haruki's eyes for a moment, not lifting his glass at all. It was a whirlwind of feelings, too. Ugetsu hated himself for not being able to be completely sure about Akihiko never giving a fuck about anyone, because at some point, Ugetsu thought he did. Being the reason whatever it had been, Akihiko had been there for him when no one else was, and flashes of Akihiko's eyes looking at him in such a fierce way still invaded his mind whenever he closed his eyes at night. The truth was that Ugetsu couldn't fully agree with Haruki, but he knew he might as well be wrong in not doing so.   
A few seconds passed and Haruki's smirk eventually faded away when Ugetsu didn't lift his glass. "I don't want to toast to you trying to turn your love for him into hate", he spoke calmly. "He will always be a lingering presence... whether you accept it or not, it'll just make it worse to fight it."

 

Haruki lowered his eyes, thinking, weighing Ugetsu's words, knowing that they came from experience, but not feeling better about it at all because of it. And Haruki knew he was doing exactly that, trying to turn his love for Akihiko into hate, even when he was trying so hard not to, even if he realized he was doing more harm to himself than any good. He looked at Ugetsu, wondering if he had went through all of it alone, if he still was going through it, if he would ever stop going through it. 

"Yeah, I know, I'm trying to... you know, not feeling so much like shit about it" Haruki said, starting to feel his throat hurt, as if the anguish he felt in his chest wanted to go up through it all at once. "I guess I'm still too angry and too sad about everything... I just need time... I guess I just need time." He took the cigarette to his lips and smoked, exhaling and watching the smoke go up in the air, imagining the lump in his throat dissolving in the same way. Then he looked at Ugetsu again, the glass still in his hand, waiting for a toast. He felt grateful for having Ugetsu there, even if they barely knew each other, even if they were just having a drink in a pub in the city. He knew it was silly, but he really felt grateful. "What would you like to toast to, then?" he asked gently.

Ugetsu wasn't the type to feel empathy towards other people, he usually just minded his own business, but this time was different. Looking at Haruki lowering his gaze and hearing his voice so weak, about to break, made Ugetsu swallow, because this went beyond empathy; they were hurting over the same person. And Ugetsu knew he had it worse. Very fucking much worse, but he had come to the point in which he couldn't destroy himself anymore, in which it didn't matter how many things he had tried or in how many ways he tried to forget about Akihiko, he simply never would, and it haunted him like a million ghosts weighing him down by his shoulders. 

He sighed, letting go the smoke of another drag, and looked at his glass. Part of him told him he would never learn to live without Akihiko, and part of him dared to imagine he would, some day. "To irony" Ugetsu said in all honesty, raising a little bit his glass and looking at Haruki, "because the same person who made us hate each other has now brought us together." He breathed a short smile and smirked a little. "Life can be such a bitch."

"To irony." Haruki smiled softly too as he raised his glass and drank a long sip, finishing his shot of whiskey and letting the alcohol burn nicely his tongue, his throat and the lump on it that wanted to dissolve. He closed his eyes and threw his head back a little, opened his eyes again as the heat grew in his chest and exhaled a 'fuck, it burns' as he laughed a little and placed the empty glass with a thump on the bar. 

"Hey, I don't mean to be optimistic, but you know, maybe something good will come out of this mess... Life can definitely be a bitch, but..." he left the sentence hanging in the air with a shrug and looking at Ugetsu with a sincere smile, thinking about how would he complete the phrase.  _Maybe I'll never see you again, but I really hope I will, ...maybe not feeling so lonely will make things easier, maybe it won't hurt as much if the pain is shared, maybe we could help each other._

Ugetsu finished his drink and looked back at Haruki as he spoke, letting the alcohol burn his throat and relax the rest of his body. There was a little glimpse of hope in Haruki's eyes that made Ugetsu's breath catch in his chest. It was subtle, almost imperceptible, but it shone in a way that wrapped Ugetsu up like a warm blanket. For a moment, he felt at ease... sheltered. Only when Haruki tilted softly his head, like in response to Ugetsu's lack of an answer, he swallowed and smiled a little. "We should meet again some other time."  _Impulsive as always_ , he thought to himself, but it didn't feel wrong. It actually felt natural, and he was pretty much okay with the idea of sharing another talk with Haruki.

"Sure." Haru answered, a soft smile on his lips. If Ugetsu hadn't come up with it, Haru would probably have done so anyway. It was nice to know he wasn't the only one wanting to meet again. "We could exchange phone numbers so I don't have to appear suddenly after one of your performances again" he added, remembering the view of Ugetsu on stage and the way he played with a subtle shudder overcoming him again at the memory. "Not that I mind, though. I really liked hearing you play..."

Ugetsu's lips curved in a soft, honest smile still looking at Haruki before looking away at his empty glass. "Thank you. The concert itself was very good, Tchaikovsky deserves all the credit" he said still keeping the smile, thinking about the many times Ugetsu had practiced that concert in the solitude of his room.

"Yeah, no." Haru said with a look that didn't admit any discussion. "I mean, I know where you're going, but you're not going to tell me that every violinist plays it in the same way. So I'm not giving Tchaikovsky  _all_  the credit, no matter how amazing the guy was at composing. Just sit there and take the compliment. You were magnificent too" he smiled and then looked at Ugetsu's empty glass, wondering if it would be ok to order another round. "Do you want another one? If it's ok and if it's not a problem, as you have to drive back home..."

And that's what Ugetsu was thinking about before Haruki complimented him on the concert. He'd like to have another whiskey but he still had to drive. "I'll join you for another round but I'm just having a tonic", he let go of the glass and searched in the pocket of his blazer for his own pack of cigarettes,  offering one to Haruki before grabbing his own. "Do you drive?" he asked putting the cylinder between his lips.

Haruki accepted a cigarette and searched his pocket for his lighter and his cellphone. "Yeah, but I'm getting my car repaired, so I'll just take a taxi back home" he said checking the time and then handing the phone to Ugetsu before calling the bartender to order for another round.

He threw a glance at Haruki as he lit his cigarette and then grabbed the phone he was handing him. "I'll drive you home" he said touching the screen with his thumb, adding his contact number to Haruki's list. Ugetsu found driving at night so relaxing that he actually enjoyed doing it. "Here" he handed the phone back to Haruki and then lit his own cigarette with the lighter Haruki had left on the counter. There were a few seconds of silence in which Ugetsu just enjoyed the quiet atmosphere of the pub. "Do you remember what the last words he said to you were?" he asked out of curiosity. Maybe Ugetsu put his attention into details that were irrelevant to everyone else.

Haruki's stare went from Ugetsu's eyes to the stack of bottles in front of them as he thought about his answer. It didn't take him much time, because he remembered the last time he had spoken with Akihiko pretty well. "He didn't say anything particularly relevant. We were in the studio arguing about me leaving the band and I told him I didn't want to see him or anything related with him ever again and that that was why I was the one leaving and not him. And after a moment he said 'If that's what you want' and then he left." The moment was more vivid in his head than he thought and he sighed, as if this were the first time he reflected about the matter. "I tend to overreact. A little. Sometimes." Haru smiled a little imagining Take telling him just how much and how often he tended to overreact about pretty much anything. "But I was just... so angry then. What I really wanted was things to be like they used to be before I mixed everything. I would've wanted not to have fallen in love with Akihiko since the day I met him. I would've wanted to be able to forget about him and everything that ever happened between us and keep on going with the band... Well, I would've wanted a million dollar contract with a record company and a private island in the Bahamas, I don't know." Haruki smiled just as the bartender placed their drinks and after he left, Haru took the glass between his fingers, staring at the liquid inside for a moment before he continued talking. "What I mean is that I didn't want to leave the band. But the more I thought about it, the more evident it was that leaving was the only realistic option I had left. And if I have to be honest about it, no matter how much I miss playing with them, I don't regret it... I know it would be worst if I was still there. So, yeah, that was the last time I saw Akihiko and the last thing he said to me." Haruki heard again that 'If that's what you really want' replaying in his head and took the glass to his lips. "What about you?" Haru asked Ugetsu after taking a sip.

Haruki's outgoing personality didn't make Ugetsu doubt he could overreact sometimes, but he wondered if Haruki had overreacted about what happened with Akihiko. If falling in love with someone who hides and contaminates things the way he does was something not to be so angry about. 

As he listened, Ugetsu took a few sips from his glass, eyes fixed on some point of the counter, mind divided between paying attention to Haruki's words and the things he thought about what he was telling him. Once again, Ugetsu admired the easiness with which Haruki made a joke in the middle of the story.  _Million dollar contract, a private island in the Bahamas with no band and a broken heart. Sounds about right_ , he thought sarcastically to himself. At least Haruki wasn't alone, or so Ugetsu thought, judging by how easygoing he was.   
"The truth is I don't remember" he said calmly, without moving. "It must've been something trivial. I moved out while he was at work, behind his back. Akihiko and I met at high school and we started dating about a year after that until two years ago. I kept on wanting to split up, even if we weren't dating anymore, and we both agreed that it was okay if we saw other people. The concept of breaking up when you keep living together is plane shit, but even if I knew it was consuming me, I couldn't let go". He made a pause to take a drag on the cigarette before continuing. It was the first time he talked about this with someone. "Akihiko became a bad habit at some point. I needed him like I needed air, and only when the air became toxic, too, the need for something pure got stronger than all of that. The last two years have been me asking him to part ways and always regretting it in the end, until three months ago I decided that I couldn't let him have that much power over me anymore. I know he should've been the one to walk away, mostly because he was the one moving in to my apartment in the first place, but I got tired of waiting... so I just moved out one day. I packed my things, left my part of the rent on the table and left." Another pause, this time shorter as he patted the cigarette over the ashtray. "I blocked his number and he doesn't know where I live, but concerts and university are places where he could find me if he wanted to... though I guess he understood it was over because he hasn't tried to reach me, thankfully."

Haru reflected about Ugetsu's words. He knew part of the story from what Mafuyu had told him, but listening it from Ugetsu's lips made it all clearer. And more painful, too. "It's like a pattern, huh? He ended up staying when he should've been the one to leave your apartment, the same happened with the band. But it feels like he pollutes everything he touches. In the end it was probably better for us to be the ones to leave than the ones staying..." he said quietly, half to Ugetsu and half to himself as he drank another sip from his glass. This time the burn wasn't as strong as before, but still, the alcohol stung Haruki's throat a bit. As the whiskey went down, he couldn't help thinking it was weird that Akihiko hadn't tried to contact Ugetsu in any way after he left, though, but maybe at that time he was too busy messing up other people's lives. Haruki's included. What was the point of suffering for someone like that? Specially when there surelly were many other people more worth of that same affection Ugetsu and Haruki had poured in the same person. To forget or to stop suffering about someone was way easier said than done, but at least the idea was there, and Haruki looked at Ugetsu wishing he hadn't have to go through all of this. "He's not worth it, really. I'm sad for whoever crosses his path next, to be honest."  
After a short silence, Haruki spoke again. "How do you think you would react if you happened to see him again?" It was like Ugetsu had said, Akihiko would always be a presence in their lives, and even if Ugetsu meant it in a mostly metaphorical way, it wouldn't have been improbable to meet Akihiko again some day.

 

Ugetsu gave it a short thought although he already knew the answer. He was trying to find the words to explain what he felt. "Have you ever lived and shared everything with someone you love and want to let go at the same time? I think it wouldn't shock me at all. It took me long enough but I've made my mind about him already" he said resting the cigarette on the border of the ashtray and grabbed the glass to sip from it. After a few moments, he spoke again. "But I think he's too smart as to dig his nose where he knows he's not gonna find anything."

"Yeah, probably." Haruki agreed. He hadn't gone through that same experience, the closest he had to it was the time he shared with Akihiko in Given and the few months they were together, whatever that relationship could be called. 

He could imagine how hard it was to let go all of those things Ugetsu talked about, though, and he found his strenght admirable, no matter how much time it had taken him to decide to leave.   
"You know, even if everyth... no, ok, not everything. Mostly everything sucks right now, it kind of makes me slightly relatively happy to have come today and be able to be sitting here with you, Ugetsu" he said with a sincere smile. "And no, before you even imply it, it takes a few more glasses of alcohol to get me drunk, so I'm not drunk."

Ugetsu was looking at his glass as Haruki spoke, his mind wandering around the few but heavy things they had talked about, until he said he was "slightly relatively happy to be sitting here with him". It made Ugetsu feel awkward, mostly because he didn't know how to take an honest compliment, especially coming from someone like Haruki, and especially in a situation like this one. So he just took the edge of the glass to his lips and threw a glance at Haruki. "Do you always talk so much?" he asked with a slight smirk right before sipping.

"Oh..." Haruki was looking in Ugetsu's direction when he asked and he couldn't help laughing. He was used to rant about every little thing with people like Take, who had known him for probably too long and were the same as Haruki, but sometimes he forgot that not everyone were like that. 

"Well, that's relative. You know, it depends on your opinion of how much 'so much' is" he made a short pause and coughed, but his smile was still there. -But yeah, I tend to do that. Sometimes." He realized just then that he did that when he felt comfortable enough with someone but didn't say anything, maybe a little self conscious of the fact that he had gotten a little chatty. Even so, he looked at Ugetsu with the same smirk the other was wearing on his lips. "Do you always get that defensive when someone compliments you?"

Ugetsu breathed a soft laugh when he finished drinking and placed the glass back on the table. The truth was that all compliments Ugetsu got were for his talent for music. He never bonded with anyone that wasn't Akihiko enough as to get any compliments for being  _himself_. Taking that into account, it was difficult to give Haruki a simple answer, but he tried anyway. "Probably... yeah." Ugetsu kept the smile after the laugh and looked at Haruki. "It must be easy for you to take compliments when you seem to be so easygoing with people. You're one of those creatures who enjoy social life, right?" he talked a bit ironically to make fun of his own reluctance to be too much in touch with society.

Haruki frowned a little, thinking about what Ugetsu had just said, not entirely agreeing with him. "'Enjoying social life' sounds like I just enjoy hanging around with random people, which is not really the case" he said as he took a sip from his almost empty glass. "I mean, I get a lot of interaction with people at work and I'm okay with it. That's probably because, as you say, I tend to get along with pretty much anyone, but at the end of the day I prefer to be with friends or alone. It's more like I'm socially selective when it comes to with whom I spend my free time" Haru added turning around to look at Ugetsu, a small thought at the back of his head that went something like  _you would definitely fit into the group of people I could spend my free time with._  "...you know, people who are okay with me talking too much." He made a really subtle mocking face and then smiled. "I don't know if I even need to ask, but what about you? You don't hit me like an outgoing guy, but what do I know... Maybe you're a party monster. Like, really reeeally low key."

As Haruki talked, Ugetsu remembered Akihiko mentioning he worked at a cafe. It made sense with what he said about getting a lot of interaction with people, and Ugetsu thought he would suck so bad at a job like that one. He wasn't reluctant to treat with people in general but it'd drain him tremendously to be in constant touch with them. But then Ugetsu was exhaling the smoke of a drag when Haruki said he could be a 'party monster' for what he knew and Ugetsu just couldn't help but laugh. He hadn't seen it coming at all. It felt nice, though, to properly laugh from his stomach. He hadn't done so in a while. "Yeah, do not unleash the beast" he played along.

Haruki laughed too, softer, glancing for a moment at Ugetsu as he laughed and thinking about how nice the sound of his laughter felt. Probably the fact that Haruki had caused it felt nice too. Haruki's sincerity would have made him say something about all this, but he realized that maybe Ugetsu would feel self conscious about it, so in the end he didn't say anything. He just drank what was left in his glass with a soft smile, leaving it empty on the counter with a soft thump. He felt slightly reluctant to leave, even though he knew he had to wake up early the next day. The truth was that he was having a really nice time, much more than he could ever imagine he would at first, but it was getting late.

There were a few seconds of silence after that laugh. A comfortable silence which they both enjoyed because their soft smiles were still there. The slight thump of the glass on the counter sounded like it was time to leave, and Ugetsu glanced at the watch on Haruki's wrist. He took one last drag on his cigarette and put it out in the ashtray. "We should get going" he said thinking about how unexpected this all had been, meeting with no other than Haruki, having a drink with him and actually feeling comfortable with him. They had even exchanged numbers to meet some other time and even though it was too much to take for one night, Ugetsu was at ease with it. Maybe he was so tired of feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts that Haruki's positive aura felt like a breath of fresh air.

Haruki nodded while he put out his cigarette too and they paid the bill before leaving.

 

 

They weren't far from Haruki's apartment, but the trip felt much shorter than it really had been, maybe because they chatted the whole time, mostly about random things.

"If I wasn't so tired and didn't have to wake up early tomorrow, I'd invite you to come up and have a coffee" he said once they had arrived and Ugetsu stopped the car. He hadn't realized how tired he was until right then when he thought about the comfort of his bed and the idea of getting some rest after such an intense, filled-with-too-many-feelings night. Still, he would've sincerely liked to spend some more time with the violinist. "But you know, if you're ok with it, keep in touch and we can meet during the week" he said looking at Ugetsu with his hand on the car's door.

"That would be nice" Ugetsu spoke in a quiet voice and slight smile on his lips, maybe too subtle to notice. They looked at each other for a few moments, Haruki leaned over the window from outside and Ugetsu looked at him from the driver's seat, as if letting the night and what had happened sink in. And then, with Haruki's smile, they waved goodbye. Haruki entered the building and Ugetsu drove home in silence, just enjoying the sound of the wheels on the pavement and already feeling the comfort of his bed.

 

 

 


	3. Allemande

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugetsu slid slowly his fingers behind his ear until his thumb reached for Haruki's earlobe. “You used to wear piercings... or you still do?” he said, rubbing softly his thumb on Haruki's skin to feel the sensation of those little spots. He wasn't thinking about what he was doing, but he somehow felt drawn to do that, and Haru started to think that maybe, just maybe it hadn't been exactly a good idea. It was such a subtle moment, such an almost-not-even-there gesture, but Haru could feel his breath catching even in the most imperceptible of ways because of it. “I... I still do. Sometimes."

It had been three months since that encounter, and even though neither of them thought that night was going to be the first and last time they saw each other, unexpectedly, things flowed naturally between them. Haruki and Ugetsu would text more often than not, met for a coffee at the end of some days in which any (or sometimes both) needed to vent or just someone to keep them company, and gradually, as Ugetsu felt comfortable enough as to loosen up around Haruki, he found they actually had many things in common. Haru, on the other hand, had always been open to Ugetsu, but the more they talked and met, the more Haruki started to recognize Ugetsu’s true personality.

 

This time, they decided to have dinner at Haruki's place on a weekend, partially because it was the moment they both would be free and partially because Haruki had said he needed some time to clean the mess on his house. So that Saturday morning Haruki had woken up earlier to do some cleaning, to buy some things at the supermarket, to prepare dinner and to have a proper shower once he was done, with some spare time to relax while he waited for the food to be ready and for Ugetsu, his "special guest" to arrive. Haruki remembered with a small smirk the food challenge they had been talking and joking about earlier in the week. Haruki felt slightly anxious about it, but still, he guessed it would be interesting. Besides, he honestly liked to spend time with Ugetsu and even if the violinist wasn't that excited about food, Haruki wanted him to have a good time.  
Haruki sat on the couch with a book and a cigarette to study while he waited for Ugetsu to arrive. While he was about it, he grabbed his phone and typed a message for the violinist:  
_< Let me know when you're close. I still need to throw away the delivery bags and leave everything ready so you think I actually cooked.>_

 

Ugetsu couldn't stop thinking about Haruki ever since he met him. It wasn't in a romantic way, and he wouldn't have known if he saw him as a friend because the only friend he had ever had was nothing like Haruki. He couldn't stop thinking about why he felt so comfortable around him, if that was okay, if it wouldn't get stressing at some point as he was afraid of... But the truth was that, when Haruki invited him over to his apartment, Ugetsu didn't discard the idea immediately. If anything, the idea of sharing some private time with him wasn't uncomfortable at all. Maybe they could talk more about themselves now that there wasn't any particular topic they met for. Ugetsu liked the idea of getting to know Haruki better, after all. It made him feel out of the bubble he was usually immersed in.  
Ugetsu looked at the clock on the wall and decided it was time to start getting ready, so he went to take a shower (that might have lasted a little too long) and chose the clothes he was going to wear when he finished. Not much time passed until he was ready and headed  to Haruki's house, entering his address in the GPS and stopping on the way to get a small chocolate pie for him. It was what people usually did, right? Haruki was in charge of dinner so he thought he should bring something.   
When he was waiting at a red light, the phone buzzed and Ugetsu read the message. It made him breathe a laugh. Haruki usually caused that.   
_< According to the GPS, I'm 15 blocks away>_. He would have commented on the delivery joke but he had to keep driving.  And so, 15 blocks later, Ugetsu parked the car and looked for the apartment number to ring the doorbell.

 

Haru used the time he had left until Ugetsu arrived to prepare the plates, cutlery and the rest of what they would use for dinner. He had been excited about this evening during the whole day as he cleaned and prepared the food, a subtle childish feeling of expectation on the pit of his stomach, but right then he felt a little bit nervous. _"Is everything in its right place?", "will Ugetsu like the food?", "will he pretend he liked it if he didn't?", "will he be comfortable?", "is my t-shirt okay?"._ Those were more or less the thoughts on Haru's mind. God, it was so easy for him to freak out about the silliest of things.   
As he was on it, only a few minutes after Ugetsu's message, Haru listened to the doorbell and almost choked with the glass of water he was drinking. He also almost tripped as he went to open the door, but when he opened it, Ugetsu was standing there, and for a moment Haru stared at him as he felt how the knot on his stomach dissolved as if it had never existed. Damn it, this guy was handsome and elegant without even trying.

“Hey”, Haru said with a smile, finally moving to a side after looking at Ugetsu for more than necessary and letting him enter the apartment.

 

Ugetsu's stomach made something weird when Haruki greeted him with that smile, so natural and honest. “Hey” he smiled back, softer, looking at him for as long as Haruki did. It felt a little bit longer than usual, but Ugetsu didn't put too much thought into it.   
He entered the apartment and felt a slight, very subtle smell of tobacco that somehow made him feel comfortable. It had a sweet end, like vanilla, and Ugetsu wondered if Haruki liked flavored tobacco. He got lost for a second in that thought until he suddenly remembered the bag he was holding. “Ah, right”, Ugetsu stopped and turned to Haruki to hand it to him. “I brought you dessert”, he said as casual as he could, as if he had done that some other time in his life before.

 

Haruki grabbed the bag, almost taken aback by that "you" in "I brought you dessert". “Ow. Thanks.'' It was a very lovely detail, but even though Haru remembered that Ugetsu wasn't particularly a fan of sweet things, it would've been nice that both of them enjoyed these kinds of things. Maybe Haru was too much of a foodie. God, he loved food. Haruki couldn't help peeking into the bag and opening the package a little. When he saw it was chocolate pie he had to restrain the temptation to take a bite right there. “I won't look at it too much or I'll end up craving something sweet before dinner, I better put it in the fridge asap”, he said walking to the kitchen with the bag. “Make yourself comfortable, do you want something to drink?”

 

Ugetsu smiled a little at Haruki's face when he peeked into the bag. He looked excited.   
“That would be nice, thanks”, he accepted the drink as he walked a few steps, taking a look around the apartment while Haruki entered the kitchen. It was a nice place, clean and tidy and full of little details that spoke of its owner. CD albums, small plants, a modest synthesizer, his bass, small furniture... Ugetsu liked it. Just when he was about to walk to the kitchen, Haruki was back with a glass of white wine. “Thanks. You have a nice place here”

 

Haru had a glass of his own and he sipped at it as he looked around his house, resting his back against the wall. “Yeah, I live alone, so I don't need much more than this. It's quite comfortable and the neighborhood is pretty quiet,” he said. Haruki had been looking for and living in different apartments for some time after he had arrived at the city, but this was by far the one which he had liked the most. It was simple but cozy, warm and just everything he needed in a house. For a moment, Haru wondered what would Ugetsu's house look like. He had been living with Akihiko for a long time, it made Haruki wonder what would it be like to live alone after all that time sharing your place with someone else. Maybe now that they were comfortable and relaxed they could talk about these things. He wanted to know way more than what he knew about Ugetsu.

He looked back to the kitchen and then at the clock hanging on the wall and smiled thinking that, even if it was dinnertime, they could eat at whatever time they wanted because neither of them had anything to do the next morning. “Hey, I have almost everything prepared, so tell me when do you want to have dinner,'' Haru said with a warm smile.

 

“Soon enough”, Ugetsu answered looking in direction of the kitchen and then at Haruki. “I'm kind of excited to judge your cooking skills”, he smirked knowing how unfair that was when he himself was pretty basic at cooking. He looked around one more time and sipped some wine after a short silence in which he went back to the previous topic. “I don't like my apartment that much” Ugetsu said, his eyes falling on Haruki's bass there on its stand. “I had to rent a furnished apartment and I'm not entirely satisfied with the owner's taste”, he breathed a soft laugh.

 

Haruki looked at Ugetsu as he laughed. He knew the violinist had probably moved in a hurry and that it could be the reason why he had taken whatever he could get. Still, he wondered what did Ugetsu's apartment would look like and how would he want it to look. He looked like the minimalist, elegant type, all clean and tidy lines, at least considering the way he dressed, the way he moved, the way he spoke. “Why? What does it look like? Is it too ugly? Are you living among grandma furniture?”, he said with a laugh as he walked into the kitchen, inviting Ugetsu to follow him.

 

“Well, yeah, kind of”, he laughed following Haruki to the kitchen. “There were other apartments with modern furniture but they were all smaller. I ended up renting this one because it's spacious and the neighborhood is quiet.” Ugetsu glanced at the food on the counter and walked towards it. “Oh, well, it looks good...”

 

“I hope it tastes as good it looks” Haruki said scratching the back of his head and smiling. Even though he had boasted so much through texts about how good his cooking was, Haruki really wished Ugetsu enjoyed the dinner he had prepared. “Going back to the house thing, I think old buildings have their appeal, don't they?”, he said while he gave the finishing touches to the tray where he had served the dinner. He stopped for a moment and looked in Ugetsu's direction. “I'd love to live in a place with bigger windows and a pretty view, but well… someday” he said with a somehow dreamy smile, as if he were thinking about it for the first time, even though he had always wished for a house like that. Haruki drew his attention back to the kitchen table and started grabbing everything he had been preparing, but he couldn't with everything, so he glanced in Ugetsu's direction and asked for some help. “Would you mind giving me a hand with the tray?”

 

“Sure”, Ugetsu left his glass momentarily on the counter to help Haruki with the rest of things he couldn't grab and took them to the table in the living room. He was going to go back to the kitchen for his glass but Haruki had already grabbed another two, so he just took the bottle of wine to serve them both before sitting down. “I'm not gonna lie, I didn't have lunch today and I'm hungry,'' he said waiting for Haruki to sit as well before starting. “I agree with what you say about old buildings, though, my apartment has one big window in the living room... I don't think it's exactly what your dreamy smile thinks of, but it's quite nice” Ugetsu smiled a little.

 

Haru stared at Ugetsu's hands as he served the wine and, for a second, he had a glimpse of the concert where they had met, of how his fingers moved elegantly and effortlessly over the strings. Ugetsu had such pretty hands...

“I can imagine”, Haruki said as he sat, trying to picture Ugetsu's apartment in his mind, a soft curve on his lips at that "dreamy smile" Ugetsu had talked about. The truth was that he had this idea of a perfect apartment but wasn't sure if he would ever find it, and if he found it, whether he could afford it. In the meantime, he tried to make of every place he lived in his home.

As he started eating, he realized all of a sudden he was actually hungry. “How did you manage to skip lunch without either dying or murdering someone?” he asked looking at Ugetsu. “I had something while I was preparing this but I'm hungry anyway...”

 

Ugetsu shrugged a little, grabbing the fork to start eating. “I guess I'm used to it, I don't have much time in the morning and it's usual for me to skip lunch”, he said before tasting Haruki's food. Only then he realized how natural this all felt. They hadn't stopped to notice how this didn't feel like a first dinner together at all, it was more like two old friends having dinner together after some time. Or so it felt like to Ugetsu. He took some time to properly taste the salad, the ingredients Haruki had used, how he had boiled the pasta and cooked the salmon, the subtleties of some other touches he had given to it. He thought it must have taken some time to do it. “Mhh...” he mumbled as if he were thinking. “The noodles are a bit too tender, and it's a little salty in my opinion, but...” he tilted his head looking at his plate as if the overall judgment was a good one in the end.

 

Haruki watched Ugetsu's reaction closely, not really knowing if he was being serious or not. The salad wasn't salty at all, but it could be a matter of how used Ugetsu was to salt, and the noodles... well, the tenderness of the noodles was objective, even though he had taken them out of the water when they were al dente, or so he thought. They were okay in his opinion, but well, maybe they had different opinions about tenderness and saltiness, and he had to admit that his ego would be a little bit affected if Ugetsu wasn't joking, although he couldn't expect everyone to have the same opinions about food. He knew it wasn't a big deal, but apparently, for Haruki, everything was a big deal. As usual, the thought flew through his mind full speed, and if he wasn't slightly upset it was because he sensed something else in the way Ugetsu spoke.

“Ow, you think?”, he said just as he took a bite. Maybe he was too hungry, but the salmon tasted great, it was fresh as well as the vegetables and the noodles were perfect in his opinion. For a moment he focused on the flavors and the smells and he really needed not to enjoy food so much. Especially because this was just a salad. If it had been a steak or the stuffed pasta his mother used to make on his birthday when he was little… well, that would be something to freak out over. But this was just a salad and it wasn't a big deal, but it was pretty fine. “Maybe I'm a little too hungry” he said with an apologetic smile.

 

Ugetsu watched Haruki's reaction as closely as he felt Haruki was doing with him when he gave him the verdict and he could definitely count at least four different faces Haruki made in the few seconds it took him to reply. Ugetsu tried to hold it back, but he ended up laughing. “You know...” he started with a soft smirk looking at him, “I know you have the slight feeling that I'm joking, which I am, but I wonder how many things ran through your head just now”, he breathed another laugh, fork in hand and eyes on him.

 

“…Oh, Ugetsu, you have no idea” Haruki said looking back at him, an almost dramatic tone in his voice even though Ugetsu's smirk made something in Haru's stomach that he found slightly funny. “Basically, my whole life passed in front of my eyes”. he gave Ugetsu a smile and took a bite from his plate, changing to a very slightly more serious tone of voice.

“I know you know I freak out easily, but you can speak your thoughts without worry. The least I'll do will be to weep in the darkest corner of the apartment for three weeks, but I'll survive” he said as as-a-matter-of-factly as he could while he sipped some wine to wash down the food.

 

Ugetsu was keeping the smile as Haru talked, though it slowly turned into a more neutral face. He knew he could speak his mind with Haruki, even if he wouldn't have let him know, but it was reassuring to hear it from him anyway. “Okay... I will” Ugetsu said resting the glass on the table and taking another bite to taste the salad one more time. When he was done, he spoke again, not joking this time. “I think it's delicious, you clearly have experience cooking, everything is fresh and well-seasoned. I love the touch of lemon juice, and this is the first decent meal I've had in months. To just say that it's really good would be unfair, so I'll say it's perfect.” Ugetsu spoke calmly and gave Haruki a soft smile.

 

There was something about Ugetsu that made you want to keep on looking at him for an undetermined amount of time, so Haruki looked down to his plate and ate during the short silence instead. When Ugetsu spoke again, his words made him smile and wonder if he wasn't exaggerating. Haruki. Thinking someone else was exaggerating… He would have said something like _"see? I told you I was good at this"_ but refrained from it.

“Thanks, I'm really glad you like it. I know it's not a big deal, but still, I'm glad” he said sincerely. The part about this being Ugetsu's first proper meal in months got him thinking, though. “Anyway, I don't want to sound like a grandma, but you should take care of yourself and eat properly, you know. You'll get sick if you don't.”

 

“I know, grandma, I will.” Ugetsu smiled teasingly, throwing a glance at Haruki. He had seemed happy about Ugetsu liking the food, and he thought the way he smiled was very charming. Haruki was a charming guy himself, but there were other things that added to his personality, like the way he talked, or the things he said, that made him someone special to share time with. At least to Ugetsu.   
There was another short silence as they ate, and there were so many things Ugetsu wanted to ask. They weren't necessarily about Haruki's personal life, but he wanted to get to know him better. “You know” he started, calmly sipping some wine before continuing talking, “I've heard many things about you, but they all came from Akihiko. I'm sure the concept people have about other people is very personal, but I want to know about you from _you_.” Ugetsu spoke as softly as usual, leaving the glass on the table and taking some more food to his mouth as he waited for Haruki to answer.

 

Haruki had imagined Akihiko had spoken to Ugetsu about him. It was an uncomfortable feeling, knowing that someone knew you through somebody else's words. Or maybe it was just because of whom was in the middle. He wondered what Akihiko could've told Ugetsu about him, if there was something worth of mention, but the few times he had been thinking about this he tried to stop himself from going on. Now he had the opportunity to change all that, “Yeah, I feel the same way, even though I don't know you from other people's perspective... But I'd like to get to know you better as well” he said, thinking about where they could start while he drank. “I don't know what do you want to know about me, though. In fact, I don't even know what I want to know about you...” Haruki thought for a moment with the glass still on his hand. The thought of when they went to see an art exhibition held by Haru’s sister came to his mind.  
“What about your family? I've been wanting to ask you about them since the day we went to Aya's exhibition, but I always get distracted talking about something else” he said with a small laugh.

 

Ugetsu empathized with Haruki's words, _"I don't even know what I want to know about you"._ It was true, he didn't know, either, but it was good to know they were starting somewhere.  
“I don't have any brothers or sisters. My father is Japanese and my mother is German. They lived for some time here until I finished high school and then moved to Germany. I don't have any relatives here because my father's family was practically nonexistent before I was born, so...” he grabbed the glass and sipped some wine before continuing. “I know I have a grandfather and an aunt on my mother's side but, of course, they all live in Germany.”

 

_"Germany..."_ Haru thought for a moment. _"No wonder he's so naturally elegant and... graceful and... stuff"_. Stereotypes aside, because Haruki wasn't even really sure about German people's grace and elegance and stuff, it was curious how someone could just leave their son alone in another country. It felt... cold.

“Do you keep in touch with them? Do you visit? Do they visit?`` he asked, “If I don't call or message my mother, I'd have her banging that door asking about her very probably dead son” he said smiling and pointing on the front door's direction with his thumb.

 

Ugetsu laughed at how exaggerated Haruki was. Or probably it was him that tried not to make a big deal out of everything. “They come two or three times a year and we have a nice family dinner and all that” Ugetsu commented sarcastically. “I don't get along too well with them, I actually prefer to have them away. Me wanting to stay in Japan when they wanted to go back was probably what finished screwing up the entire relationship.” He wasn't upset about it, though, and he even did something like a small shrug while looking at his glass. They had finished eating and Ugetsu had a nice feeling of contentment.

 

“Parents. They come in all shapes and sizes” Haru said after a short while, half playing with the last pieces of the salad left on his plate and half eating them. “I see mine in the holidays. But just my parents and my sister. We don't have any contact with the rest of the family. One of those social differences stories. They weren't that happy when my parents decided to get married, so mother and father sent them a pretty card inviting them to celebrate their marriage by going to fuck themselves.” Haruki laughed remembering the thousands of times his mother had told the story. If Ugetsu ever met them, Haruki was sure he'd hear the story himself. He didn't know why, but he was sure they would like Ugetsu. “Do your parents know you're gay?” he asked after a moment.

 

Ugetsu snorted a little. “Yeah, they do. They even offered to pay for my treatment and all” he said, flashes of the moment in which Ugetsu told them coming and going through his mind. “They both are pretty homophobic.” Ugetsu knew the reaction of his parents had hurt at some point, but he didn't remember much of those days, only that he kept inventing things to arrive as late as possible at home and that the more their parents showed disgust toward homosexual people, the bigger the desire of Ugetsu wanting to have sex with other men grew. It was curious, now that he thought about it, because he was probably too young to be having sex, but that's one of the few things he remembered about that.

 

Haruki expected Ugetsu's parents' to be against it -as if they could do something about it by the simple fact of doing so- but the treatment... “Oh, not the treatment...” he said almost rolling his eyes. “Such a huge lot of bullshit.” It was one of the stupidest things he had ever heard. It enraged him and made him sad in almost equal parts. The scale was always inclined to the anger side, though. He looked at Ugetsu hoping not to have made him uncomfortable. “My parents weren't exactly thrilled to know I was gay, but they had their doubts and when I told them they were like "yeah, son, we know". It wasn't the best news ever, but I guess they saw it coming and knew they couldn't do anything about it,” he said remembering the moment he had had to admit to his parents that he liked boys.

 

“I wonder why your parents knew beforehand you were gay”, Ugetsu laughed a little and served him and Haruki some more wine. “I guess the next generation of parents will be more familiar with the concept of liking someone independently of their gender. Or so I hope.” He drank a little and a playful grin took over his lips as he looked at a Haruki. “I wanna know now, why do you think they knew?”

 

Haruki laughed for a little while. Where could he even start? After a short cough and a sip of wine, he told Ugetsu about a few events of his early life. “Uhm, well, maybe because there was this kid in my class I wanted to marry when I was in... first grade. Or because we fought with my sister over who was the prettiest band member of the bands she liked. Or because whenever my sister wanted to introduce me to one her female friends I always avoided the subject, or because I always low key crushed over actors rather than actresses. You know ‘oh, Haru, don't you think that actress is hot?’, ‘Yeh, yeh. But what about him tho’.” Being honest, Haru could remember many instances of his childhood/adolescence that could give anyone a hint about him being gay. He had finished recounting, but he suddenly remembered something else. “Oh, and once my parents got a call from the school principal because I had touched a boy's butt. But that doesn't count because it was totally accidental, I swear.”

 

Ugetsu didn't really know how to describe what talking with Haruki felt like. He was funny and made him laugh a lot, maybe because of the way he told the stories, but he was also honest and never really avoided a subject even if he didn't like talking about it that much. He would comment on it and say something like _"can we talk about something else?"_ , but never leave you without an answer. Ugetsu liked that a lot. He liked when people were honest, even when honesty was sometimes the hardest path to take.

“Oh, well…” he breathed a laugh trying to picture a 15 year old Haruki "accidentally" touching a boy's butt. Who knows, maybe Haruki liked to touch. “That's a nice picture of you to have...” he laughed again and looked at him for a few seconds. There was something about this guy that made Ugetsu feel comfortable enough to share and talk about his own life as well. He relaxed and rested an elbow on the backrest of the chair, holding the glass of wine in his hand. “I don't really remember when I realized I liked men, but I guess it was early enough as to grow up with that idea feeling completely natural to me. All the crushes I remember having were either on teachers or musicians” Ugetsu smirked a little. “Passionate people is the most attractive of all.”

 

Haru had to admit he liked the way Ugetsu smiled or laughed, it suited him so much more than any other gesture, even that cheeky smirk he wore almost always on his lips. But that last comment got him thinking, though, and suddenly he remembered Ugetsu's performance, brimming with pure sentiment as if he were playing the strings of his own heart, reaching the audience from the stage with an easiness that couldn't be achieved only by talent or technical ability. “Yeah, I agree...” he said with a warm smile, almost absent, lost in that memory. “Is it okay if I bring the dessert? I'm craving something sweet” he asked, ”we can share if you want.”

 

“Sure” Ugetsu said as he got up as well and started grabbing some things to take to the kitchen. It wasn't that he was trying to be polite, even though he was, but the gesture came naturally. He had lived with Akihiko many years and he still had many habits of living with someone else, so he helped Haruki with the kitchen and offered to make some coffee. “I guess coffee suits chocolate better than white wine, doesn't it?” he said looking at Haruki. A few strands of hair that got loose from behind his ear fell gracefully over his cheek, and Ugetsu found that image something beautiful. He had the impulse to place Haruki's hair back behind his ear but refrained from it. That felt like a whole another level of confidence he wasn't sure they had yet.

 

Haruki accepted Ugetsu's offer while they did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. It felt nice to do this with someone else, he found himself thinking, even if there weren't many things to wash. While Haru was at it, he felt a tickle on his cheek, a stray strand of hair falling over the side of his face, bothering him gradually until he couldn't stand it anymore. It used to happen before when his hair was longer, and now that it was shorter, it kept happening. He wiped the side of his face with a brush of his arm but the tip of his hair kept falling. He tried with his shoulder and with the wet back of his hand, to no avail. It kept falling to a side.

“Shit. Could you? I have detergent on my hands” he surrendered looking at Ugetsu, pointing at that side of his own face and turning his head a little so Ugetsu could put the damn strand back behind his ear in a gesture that was almost unconscious.   
Ugetsu had been smiling at Haruki trying to wipe away that few strands of hair and had almost decided to help him with it when Haruki asked for it. He felt a hint of satisfaction because he wanted to do it in the first place. “Yeah...” Ugetsu was resting on a side with his hip against the counter when he took a hand to Haruki's face, placing his fingers under the blond strands and taking them delicately behind Haruki's ear. He was too used to delicate gestures because of the violin, but he thought that Haruki's hair was something as delicate as the strings.   
He was about to continue drying the dishes when he noticed little piercing holes in Haruki's earlobe. Ugetsu slid slowly his fingers behind his ear until his thumb reached for Haruki's earlobe. “You used to wear piercings... or you still do?” he said, rubbing softly his thumb on Haruki's skin to feel the sensation of those little spots. He wasn't thinking about what he was doing, but he somehow felt drawn to do that.

 

Haru started to think that maybe, just maybe it hadn't been exactly a good idea. It was such a subtle moment, such an almost-not-even-there gesture, but Haru could feel his breath catching even in the most imperceptible of ways because of it. “I... I still do. Sometimes,” he said, staring at Ugetsu for a moment and smiling.

 

When he felt Haruki was looking at him, Ugetsu averted his eyes from his ear and looked at him as well. This was probably the closest they had been and it seemed to Ugetsu that Haruki's smile was prettier when seen closer. He smiled as well, subtly, letting go and continuing drying the dishes without saying anything. Silences had never been uncomfortable with Haruki, so he figured it wasn't necessary to say something just because. Rather than that, Ugetsu preferred to let the moment speak for itself.

 

As they finished in silence, Haruki started humming a song and suddenly remembered something. He turned to face Ugetsu, resting his weight on the fridge's door while he dried his hands, a smile on his lips that almost seemed triumphant. “You offered to play with me. Guitar or piano, you said. Remember?” he asked crossing his arms in front of his chest, as if there was no way Ugetsu could back up once he had made the offer.

 

Setting the coffee machine, which casually happened to be the same model that the one they had at college,  Ugetsu remembered when Haruki asked him to play with him. “I do” he smiled a little, pressing the button to start the machine, and turned to face Haruki. “And I will, later. There are still many things I'd like to talk about with you. Tell me more about what you like, what you don't… Talk to me about Akihiko, why you decided to walk away from him…” The tone of his voice and the way he spoke were calm and soft as usual, but it made Ugetsu a bit anxious to still have an idea of Haruki based on Akihiko's opinion. Suddenly, after a short silence, he breathed a smile and looked down, crossing his arms on his chest. “I know I'm probably being awkward with this, but... I don't usually do these things, you know”, he looked up at Haruki in the sincerest way he could. “I don't really know what coming over to a friend's house is supposed to be like, and I don't even know if we're supposed to be friends now, or... I don't know. I'd like to know what your opinion on this is.”

 

“You... uhm, you said a lot of things, but don't worry, you're not being awkward” Haruki laughed a little, feeling a warmth towards Ugetsu's words that was becoming familiar by now. “I do consider you a friend, I guess. Why not?” he said, giving the word 'friend' a thought. “We met under unusual circumstances, but that doesn't prevent us from liking each other and finding each other's company comfortable.” Haru grabbed two mugs from the cupboard and two little spoons and passed them to Ugetsu. “It's nice that you want to know more about me, I must admit I often wonder what Akihiko could have told you or what you could have guessed in the things he didn't say and it makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather we learn about each other by talking and telling things about ourselves or just by spending time together.” Haru spoke a lot, but this time he was doing so at a slower pace than usual, almost as if he were considering the things he said on the go. “That being said, I don't have any objection against sharing bits of information about myself, but I demand information about your person as well.” Haruki smiled a little grin, even though Ugetsu hadn't seemed reluctant to talk about himself. “On the couch, with a nice mug of coffee on our hands and a bit of chocolate pie to go with it.”

 

Ugetsu was probably too immersed in the way Haruki was talking, how his voice sounded softer and a little lower when he was clearly giving all the things he said a proper thought. Most of the time it seemed to him that Haruki spoke his mind freely, and even though that could be a double-edged sword, it was what identified Haruki the most. Only when he passed him the mugs and the spoons Ugetsu reacted, grabbing them and smiling soft but warmly at the last words Haruki said. While Ugetsu finished with the coffee, Haru served them a piece of chocolate pie. Ugetsu didn't want to be impolite, even if he was okay with not having dessert -which he almost never did-, and asked Haruki for his piece to be a very small one; that way they could share that, too.

“The truth is that, as you can imagine, he never spoke to me about you in a romantic way, even if he clearly liked you a lot.” Ugetsu started when they were sitting on the couch, slightly facing each other. “He always talked to me about you as a musician and a friend. I think he liked to tell me about all of you in Given, but Uenoyama's name and yours came up a lot.” He made a small pause, almost hearing their names in Akihiko's voice in his head, and brought the edge of the mug to his lips. “He always looked up to you, you know…” Ugetsu said before he sipped some coffee, trying to understand what that made him feel like. It was so complex he didn't even know how to start trying to figure it out.

  
“Yeah, I never understood why, but I guess it seemed like he looked up to me sometimes.” He didn't know how to feel about it, how to try to put his thoughts in order in a way that didn't hurt so much. How much time would it have to go by until Haruki didn't feel the knot on his throat every time Akihiko's name came up in a conversation? He tried to swallow the bitter taste and think about the good times they had had together, because there had been a lot of them, even if it made him sad to know that all those things were over. “We worked a lot together and we liked to show off what we have been working on when we were in the studio with Rikka and Fuyu” Haruki smiled remembering their rehearsals, how much fun they used to have, how satisfied they were when something they had been working hard on finally came up the way they had imagined it. “Sometimes I try to separate those moments as if the Akihiko who was my bandmate and the one I was in love with had been two different people”, he avoided saying "the one who broke my heart" because he didn't want to sound overdramatic, but the truth was that, on purpose or not, it was exactly what Akihiko had done. “I don't know if it works or even if it makes things easier, but... the thing is that yeah, maybe he liked me, yeah, maybe he looked up to me. But I've always seen him as an equal and as a friend, even if what I wanted was so much more than being his friend.” His voice was soft, but it had a tint of sadness, of resignment. He sipped his coffee as he closed his eyes, inhaling the strong smell of it and then opening them again with an intent of a smile. “We should've stayed friends. That way, when I found out about the things he hid, it would've hurt in less levels than it did. I guess.”

 

Ugetsu was looking at the steam the coffee emanated from the mug between his hands, listening closely to all the words Haruki said. Maybe it wasn't a such a good idea to bring up the topic, because his chest was clutching in a way that made his heart physically hurt. He wondered how being in love with Akihiko had been -or still was- to Haruki, what were the things he loved about him, how this sort of break up had affected him. Haruki said _"we should've stayed friends; that way, when I found out about the things he did, it would've hurt in less levels than it did"_ , and Ugetsu wondered what those levels were, in which of them Akihiko had left ruins. Then again, he wondered in how many levels Akihiko had hurt _him_ , because the things Ugetsu found the most painful of all, were that old habits die hard, that he still found himself sleeping in a little corner of the bed because Akihiko used most of the space in it, or how he didn't leave the keys in the door's lock in case he came home at midnight, how he hung the t shirts instead of folding them because Akihiko liked them that way, or how he still measured everything for two, how he unconsciously set the table with an extra glass or an extra plate sometimes. Ugetsu wondered how many more things he probably loved about Akihiko, having known him for so long, having lived so many years with him, having loved him even when Akihiko didn't loved him anymore, slept next to him knowing he had come from sleeping with someone else, and if all those levels Haruki hadn't gotten to know were what made it all hurt so unbearably bad, what made it so difficult to breathe without the back of his throat tensing like a string about to snap, or what it still caused him the need to ask for a break in rehearsals for an emergency cry at the closest empty room.

Ugetsu wondered, and wondered... knowing that, most likely, none of his questions had an answer.

“Probably…” he replied at last, his voice coming out weak but steady.

 

Haruki lifted his eyes to look at Ugetsu, feeling the sadness in the air filling the space between them. He would have liked to reach to Ugetsu, to tell him that everything would be okay, maybe hug him, something to dissipate the thoughts that seemed to be invading his head. His hand made an attempt to move forward, a very subtle, unconscious gesture, but Haruki stopped himself and lowered his hand instead. “Hey...” he called softly. Even if he hadn't known Ugetsu for long, feeling the sadness in his eyes made his chest hurt. “This shall pass, you know… It may look like it's the end of the world because everything you did was somehow connected with Akihiko. But it's not. I know I said he was an asshole and I'm not going to contradict myself, but even so, he's just a human being” Haru shrugged a little and forced a smile, as if he could wipe from his shoulders the weight of his own words. He knew that, at some point, their experiences were widely different but it didn't mean he didn't empathized with Ugetsu's feelings. “Even if now it feels like it's impossible to detach his shadow from every little thing in your life, and even if it probably may never even vanish completely, the truth is that this shall pass. I always thought that that ‘time heals’ stuff was bullshit, but you know, what doesn't kill us...” Haruki made a pause and drank from his mug, remembering that Ugetsu had told him something similar the first time they met. Then he laughed softly. “I feel like I'm using your own words against you, sorry. Well, not ‘against’, I just hate seeing you sad.”

 

Ugetsu articulated a soft, sad smile. He knew that, as Haruki said, this would pass. It just seemed to Ugetsu that point was so hard to reach right now. He sighed subtly, trying to embrace each one of his thoughts and calm them down to calm himself down as well. It was a strange thing that he would've liked to reach for Haruki's hand and place it on his cheek, maybe to feel some of the warmth Haruki emanated so seemingly oblivious. But of course, he refrained from it. Ugetsu was just too reluctant to ask for affection, even if he needed it desperately. Instead, he drank from his mug and closed shortly his eyes, letting the taste of the coffee give his body something else than distress.

“To hate seeing someone you barely know sad says a lot about the kind of person you are” Ugetsu said looking at him for a short moment, and then he smoothly stole a little piece of Haruki's chocolate cake.” Unfortunately, I'm not _that_ nice” he smirked a little holding the fork in front of his mouth, trying to bring back the type of climate they had before.

 

Haruki could be kind, but when it came to food, it was almost as if he became a different person. If Take had been there, he would have made a face at Ugetsu as if he were saying _"no, man, you have just made a terrible mistake"_ based on the thousand times Take had stolen food from Haruki just to win the furious rage of his friend. But the truth was that Haru didn't mind right now. At least Ugetsu didn't look that sad anymore. “You know, Ugetsu, there are tribes in New Zealand where if you steal a man's chocolate pie, they cut off your toes” he said with a serious face, looking at the grin on Ugetsu's face while he tried to keep the composure and not to laugh. “You're lucky we're not in New Zealand.”


End file.
